Well, world, I’m back in Chicago. In an effort to save money, Julie and I opted to ride the Greyhound bus over flying or taking the train. The bus was considerably cheaper than flying or by train, but took the most time. It was slightly more expensive than driving, but if you’ve ever made a 13-hour car ride, you know why we didn’t want to drive.
The last time I took a bus was to visit Dave down at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale. During that ride, I met a few interesting people, and made (as you do) bus friends.
This trip was different. The SUIC trip was many MANY years ago, and limited to Illinois, with one stop in St. Louis. This trip was different. 20 hours, 6 states, 2 transfers and a dozen stops. On this trip, I learned 10 key facts about life and traveling Greyhound.
1. Something in the driver handbook says he must repeat everything at least 4 times. “This is Cincinnati, Ohio. Cincinnati, Ohio. Transfer here at gate 3 if you’re going to Cleveland or Columbus. This is Cincinnati, O-hio, transfer here at gate 3 if you’re going to Cleveland or Columbus. Cleveland or Columbus transfers here at gate 3.”
2. Chewing gum between your teeth will help you sleep. When the bus moves, it shakes. Don’t try to lay down across two seats, because the vibration will make your teeth clang against each other.
3 This American Life is great time killer. Each episode is an hour long, at least, and makes a 2-hour ride incredibly bearable. There’s a torrent floating around with at least 200 of their episodes enclosed. Look out for that for even a car ride.
4. Effingham, IllInois is not alone with the giant crosses. I was always under the impression that the giant cross was a novelty people traveled to see. I was first proved wrong in the movie “Jesus Camp” (or was it “Friends of God”?) and procurd wrong again on this trip. One cross was not 100 yards from an adult video store. The one I saw on my trip might have been the same one featured in the movie. God bless America, indeed.
5. Every TV in every Greyhound station plays the Fox “News” Channel in HD. Enough said.
6. Nobody steals anyones cell phone from the charging station. The geniuses at Greyhound provide, at major stations, a surge protector-style charging station for the increasing number of people who, like myself, drown themselves in their phones for long rides. 8 to 10 phones at a time are sitting on this table, and nobody touches a phone that isn’t theirs. Even when another bus boarded and a giant group of people attacked the table to grab their phone, the only one left was mine.
7. Femullets are back in style. A lady boarded with us at Lynchburg and stayed with us till Indianapolis. She had a huge mullet. Huge. It did NOT look attractive. Business in the front, party in the back.
8. Feel free to discuss your probation officer, your priors and your favorite cigarettes with perfect strangers. People who have never met before exchanged details of their petty thefts of old ladies, their reasons for travel (to see “my baby daddy,” she offered) and why Newports are better than Marlboro Mild 72s. This all seemed bizarre to me at first, but then I thought, “well, you’re probably never going to see these people ever again, might as well tell your life story.”
9. Music from guitar sounds better in bus terminal at 3am. It’s a long-standing rule of mine that if I cross someone on the street or in a bus terminal who is playing an instrument, my wallet opens. I’m not going to give you a dollar for sitting on your ass holding a badly-misspelled cardboard sign. Food stamps and welfare from my tax dollars are yours to take, but i’ll be damned if you’re taking my cash from my actual wallet pre-destined for other purposes. At least you’re procuring a skill. My $2 that night blessed that guitarist, somehow.
And finally…
10. Some people will violate the cardinal rule after removing their shirt, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I would say that this is just a really light brown, but it’s very clearly GINGER RED and it only grows in certain patches. Does anyone else have this phenomenon? Should I dye it, or leave it as-is?
